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Limits and Discipline: When, How Much,
and How Do I Do It?
There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is a necessary and vital component of our lives. We all have to be aware of what the boundaries and limits are in any given situation, and what behavior is appropriate. Young children need the grown-ups in their lives to provide them with a roadmap for appropriate behavior so they can go to a restaurant with their parents and not run around the room disturbing the other patrons, or throw their food, or scream at the top of their lungs because they don’t want to wait for dessert. The more contact a child has with limits and boundaries, the more they will be able to internalize them and tell themselves how to behave. This is the ultimate goal.
Punishment is what happens when you do not exercise self-discipline, or when you break a rule or openly defy a request. Punishment comes in many forms: when grown-ups break the rules, they get parking tickets, or sued, or arrested. When kids break rules, they may not always know what the punishment is going to be because it may depend upon the mood their parent was in when the incident occurred. This confuses children and usually results in them testing limits because the end results are different and children thrive on consistency.
Little ones need to be kept safe; holding our hand, or sitting in the stroller is not an option when crossing the street. If you know that your child is a “runner”, you can offer him/her a choice: “You can sit in the shopping cart or walk next to me holding onto the shopping cart.” That is an invitation to self-discipline/control. But there has to be a Part 2, and that might sound like: ”If it’s too hard for you to hold onto the cart, then you’ll have to sit in the seat.” This way, your child knows what is expected of him, and what is going to happen if he does not cooperate. Threats and warnings are not effective if you do not follow through on them, and we often say things that we cannot actually do. “I’m going to throw out all of your toys” or “I’m never taking you here again” are not enforceable, especially if the location in question is the grocery store. We usually say these kinds of things when we’re frustrated or angry, and, after awhile, even very young children know we don’t mean what we say.
Many parents of young children ask when it’s appropriate to make use of time outs and if it’s ever OK to spank a child. The answer to the second question is no, it is never alright, or even effective to hit a child. If you grew up in a home where you were hit by your parents, you might think that your own children will not respect you, or “stay in line” if you do not raise your hand to them occasionally. Or perhaps you believe that you have the right to do whatever you want with or to your own children. Please bear in mind that these are beliefs, not the truth. The truth is that violence begets violence. A child who is hit may stop behaving in a certain way because they are afraid of you, but it will most definitely damage the relationship in the long term. It will also affect every relationship they will have in the future. Would it be alright with you if your daughter’s future boyfriend slapped her around? How can you tell her that it is OK for you to hit her, but not OK for someone else to use physical force to subdue or control her?
