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Letting Go: Guidelines for
making separation easier for your child
Watch for signs that a child is ready to “separate"
Separation for the first time in a place outside your own home is a big
step. At Open Door, we watch for signals that a child is feeling
comfortable enough to separate such as: a child can leave the parent’s side to
go outside, a child has attached to one of the teachers, a child can make his or
her needs known in the classroom and/or is not relying on a parent to speak for
him or her.
It is important to say “good- bye”
Sneaking out is never a good idea. Parents think maybe the child won’t notice but that is very rare. The idea that suddenly a parent will disappear can make a child more anxious and unable to relax in the room and cling to you more at all times, thinking you may leave suddenly. Respecting your child’s feelings by allowing him or her to object to your leaving gives them an opportunity to build trust that the parent will do what they say. Ultimately, this allows a child to feel strong and safe.
Young children like
continuity and routines
Establishing a routine for saying goodbye allows a child to adjust and anticipate the separation. It is helpful to give them some choice and control within the routine but stick to it as you say you will. For example, “After I watch you hang up your bag and I get my kiss, then I leave.” Don’t ask, “Is it okay for me to leave?”, but instead say, “Where is my kiss?” and then do what was agreed without fanfare.
Sometimes the routine works best by asking a teacher to come out to the hall and
inviting your child to come in. Establishing and sticking to YOUR routine
will facilitate a transition that works for your child.
Know your child
Most children do better if they have some reminders about what is going to happen. Some children anticipate and build up anxiety and some adjust well to advance notice. This sometimes changes depending on who is dropping the child off - discuss this with your parent educator or head teacher to help decide what is right for you and your child.
Changes in routine
If one day a mother drops off and another day, a father, relative or care giver, the separation can be different for the child. Also if a parent is leaving the child to go off with a sibling or even with a friend it changes the routine and can bring up new challenges. It is best to always say the same thing. An example would be: “I am going to the post office to mail a letter.” This gives the child a visual image of where you are and what you are doing.
Remind your child when
you will come back
Children learn about time based on what comes next in the day. Be specific
and tell your child “I will be right here waiting for you after the goodbye song
– or after snack.” If someone else is picking your child up, remind your child
who it will be: “Daddy will pick you up and be waiting for you right here, and
you will have lunch together. I will see you again for our bed time
book.”
After you say goodbye LEAVE
Hesitating after you say goodbye can be all the body language a child needs to feel you are not sure it is okay. Once you have said goodbye – LEAVE even if your child says, “No”. Leave when you say you will and then you can return after a few minutes and say your errand is done and you are back. Children need to trust that their parent will do as they say to feel safe. Changing the routine and starting negotiations with your child will change the expectation and set up a tug of war each time.
Recognize your child
feelings
Children are learning about their emotions and this is a good opportunity to
help them recognize and label their feelings. For example, “I see you are sad
that I am leaving, it is hard to say goodbye. I’ll be back to pick you up
right after snack”, or “I’m going to miss you too, but I know you will have a
fun at school with your teachers.” It is also good to call the teachers by
name so that the child can begin to feel familiar with their names. Some
children initially call every nurturing female, “mommy”; this is a generic term
before names are learned.
Let your child bring a special transitional object from home
Most children have a special toy or item that they use to comfort themselves. These transitional objects help a child to feel connected to home and their parents. A small stuffed animal or doll usually works best. In an effort to keep the toy safe and not taken by another child, the teacher will keep it for the child or the child can keep their object in their box to be used as needed.
